Empowerment

Scrambling through what seemed to be a never-ending field of wheat, she ran. Ana was not concerned with the distance or the length of time that had been spent on this journey- the only thing that consumed her was the past twelve hours. As she revisited the memory of the day before, she felt the tall wheat stalks brushing up on her arms, and her long black hair whipping against her shoulders. The more Ana thought about what happened, the worse she felt; she felt as if guilt were consuming her, and almost paralyzing her long, lanky legs. After not saying a word for hours, she spoke.

“I don’t know what to do anymore. Every time I make up my mind about something, it always seems to be the wrong decision. Where do I go from here?” she asked herself.

“You do not belong anywhere. You don’t do anything but bad. You serve no higher function. [1] You’re just a good-for-nothing!”

“NO! No, I do not believe you anymore!” Ana cried.

Though Ana has tried to escape her, she always had this girl following her. Her name was Maddie. She was not a particularly charming girl- she was about Ana’s age, 17. She would always speak her mind, and sometimes it would not be the nicest thing in the world. Everywhere that Ana went, Maddie followed. It seemed that every time that Ana was happy, Maddie was happy; anytime that Ana was upset, Maddie was upset. One could say that even though they were physically separate, they had joint identities. [2] This time was no exception for them mimicking each other’s emotions.

“Why do you not believe me? I have guided you through the darkest of times. I am there for you when nobody else is. I followed you after you ran away from a situation where you are needed! How can you forgive them for what they did?!”

“I don’t forgive them! I swear I don’t! I would give anything to take back what happened. Had I known what they planned on doing to her…”

“You should have known. They have done this before. Why do you think people would change?! People only act out of habit!” [3]

“I would like to believe this, but how can I? You’ve seen what Rian has done in the past.”

“She is probably the only one who has acted out of the norm. We cannot only keep our thoughts on her. She was the one that betrayed us in the first place!”

“Rian is too much of a good person. I know she is good-“

“How?? How is she good? What makes a ‘good person’?”

“I don’t know! She just is, ok?!”

She sighs deeply, her body exhausted after running for 4 straight hours with no set destination. She finally stops running and falls to her knees as though she was knocked off balance. Her body heaved and let go extra weight that was holding her down, and then looked up at the sky. The stars were quite visible that mid-November night. As she laid in the field staring at the stars, she watched her breath being exhaled in the brisk night and finally answered:

“A person can be considered ‘good’ for the things that they do, and the way that they go about doing them. If all a person ever did was sit around and say that they were going to do something without action, it wouldn’t have accomplished anything, and would not have served any higher purpose…”

Not expecting this intelligent answer at all, Maddie responded in the only way that she knew how, and it made her swallow her pride:

“Hmm… I agree… " [4]

“And looking at a person from that kind of perspective, Rian was always the one to think things through, even though she saw the world through rose-colored glasses. Though I wanted her to see what was really going on, I didn’t want her to have taken them off if it would have saved her…” [5]

“Seeing the truth wasn’t the reason for what happened- it’s what she did about it. That choice is what made her die, and that choice is why she is and was not a good person!” Maddie screamed.

“Making one mistake does not make you bad. Everybody is human and can make mistakes. We are not perfect beings, we all have flaws. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a beast [6] , you know.”

“We are getting away from the point, Ana. This should not be a debate of whether or not Rian was a good person- it’s what has happened. And because of that, Rian is dead, and now we are out here running away!”

“Stop! Just, stop! You know that if I had known what Margo and Frances were doing that I would not have gone around telling people. Rian panicked! It was not her fault that she had to witness that! I mean, what would you have done if you had seen our fellow servant with the master, huh? Rian didn’t know what to do, and she told the only people she thought she could trust, me and Gus.”

“If I had been in her situation, I would have told not a soul but Frances’ wife. She would have been able to straighten Frances out. Rian was a damned fool for telling Gus. She may have looked up to him as a surrogate father-figure but he was the most drunken man in this town. And it showed with him shouting about everyone’s business, leading to him telling Frances about what Rian had said.”

“Rian was only trying to help-“

“She led herself to her death. If you were a master, what would you have done if your servants were spreading horrible rumors about your affair to the entire town? Think, Ana! It was the only way to make everyone think that the rumor was false! The only thing that stands in his way of keeping his reputation is you, and what you know. If you went back and told what you knew, then everyone would know what had really happened, and Margo would be saved. You do, of course remember that Margo is to be hanged for being thought having an affair with the master. Frances’ wife demands that she be killed for being part of such a ‘rumor’. Rian had the same fate because she spread it around!”

There were few times that Ana actually cried. She cried when she realized that she was not her own being, but a servant. She cried when her dog drowned in the well. She cried when she witnessed Rian being hanged while hiding behind a wall. Now Ana was crying out of fear, and out of frustration.

“I would go back, but what if I was caught by the wrong people before I got to tell what I know? If I were caught, I would also share their fate!”

“Thoughts like these make you a good-for-nothing. Thinking like this gets you nowhere and proves my point of you having no function. All you do is think about yourself. This is your chance! This is your chance to enter the light; instead you are running into the darkness. You always say that you look up to Rian and aspire to be like her… well now’s your chance.”

Why is this happening to me? Ana thought. Rian came to me in tears about what she had seen and didn’t know what to do. She also told Gus what she had seen. Gus was always a good man to Rian and me; he was like our father. I know in my heart that Gus didn’t do this on purpose- he was not in his right state of mind. In a mere 4 hours from the time that Rian had told Gus, he sang like a bird in the streets and had sentenced her to death... How I wish I could be like Rian… Everyone always loved her for her honesty and kindness and her independence [7], and here I am crying and running away in the face of adversity while not being able to make decisions on my own. This might be an impossible thing to do, but I am not going to let Rian die in vain. I am going to tell what I have seen and save Margo.

Another thing about Ana is that once she has set her mind on something, she becomes very determined to see it happen. Though Ana was still crying, she had realized that she needed to come back to town and tell what she knew so that she could save her comrade. The more she dwelled upon about the situation, the more it made her sick to her stomach. Then out of the blue, she started to think more carefully about the situation as a whole, and then it struck her:

What was Margo thinking? She should have known that any relationship with Frances other than master/servant would have resulted in death… Was she having an affair with our master because he forced her to, or was it because it was what she wanted? I had noticed lately that she was not attending to her chores very often, yet she was not getting in any trouble with our master- in fact, they would smile at each other! How could I have been so blind? The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes! Even though she knew she might be caught and hanged, she still wanted the chance to be happy! [8]I can’t believe how stupid I was in not realizing this before and saying this to Rian! Why can’t I be as free-minded as Margo? I wish that I could find something that would make me as independent as she- then maybe I could be happy[9], and that could lead me to be self-sufficient, and I could get Maddie off of my back… If Frances and Margo are truly happy together, then Frances’ wife might accept this and will be able to go away. She has never really been a happy person ever since she arrived here, and has wanted to get away for some time now. Now this is my chance to set everything right. Well, not everything. Rian is still dead… But this can be my chance in honoring Rian’s Memory and proving to her that I can be strong! I know that she is looking down upon me from heaven… Yes. This is what I must do.

Without anymore doubt or hesitation, Ana turned around and ran. She ran as though her life depended on it- which is quite apropos, because her life and the life of Margo hung in the balance. Also without hesitation, Maddie followed her.

“So you finally decided to grow up and do something with your life, huh?” Maddie asked tauntingly.

“You know, I never asked you to come with me. I’ve tried to get rid of you so many times. Why don’t you just leave me alone?!”

“You know I can’t do that, Ana. I’m a part of you. You created me as a way to cope with the world. When you realized that you were no longer a free being, you cried out for someone to be there for you. When nobody came, you created me. I was there for you to get you through the day. I was there for you to help you stop mourning your dog. I was there with and for you when Rian was condemned to death. And I have been here to help you realize that you needed to do the right thing. So why try to rid yourself of me now, Ana?”

“Because… I don’t need you anymore…”

“…what did you say?”

“I said that I don’t need you anymore, Maddie! You have done nothing but be my negative thoughts! Anytime that I doubted myself, it was through you! You were there, but you did nothing but make me hate myself. Instead of helping me, you hurt me. And I came to the conclusion by myself that I need to go back, not you. I don’t need you anymore. Go away!”

As Ana was fighting with her other persona Maddie, she was still running through an endless view of fields. It just so happened that a farmer was working on this particular field that Tuesday morning, and witnessed this sight.

“Oh, I can’t go away, Ana. I have been here this whole time, and I’m going to stay.”

“NO, YOU’RE NOT!” Ana roared.

The elderly farmer looked up from his scythe, tilted up his hat with his weathered hands and stared as a teenage girl ran about 20 feet away from him, shouting at an invisible person.

“Crazy kids… They have no respect…”

Ana did not see or hear the farmer, and kept running. It was about 4 in the morning, and Margo was to be executed at 6A.M.

“You’re not going to rid yourself of me, and you’re not going to make it on time!” Maddie cackled.

“You’re wrong. I am going to make it, and I am going to get rid of you- you don’t exist! I don’t believe in you anymore. I don’t believe in you anymore! I DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU ANYMORE!” Ana shouted at the top of her lungs.

And with that, Ana suddenly felt alone- not the kind of loneliness which brought her into her original depression out of which she created Maddie, but rather a feeling of being alone which was liberating. She had finally rid herself of the burden of her other persona which had controlled her for many years. With this new feeling of freedom, she felt much lighter, and began to run faster. Ana had always been a fast runner, but now she was even faster. Lately she had been better at thinking things through- now her thoughts were clearer. She was thinking about the future now, something that she hadn’t given much thought to. Ana wanted to free Margo, she had decided that a few hours ago. Now she wanted to find a man that she could be happy with, like Margo. She wanted to save up enough money to buy her own house, and eventually be a free woman. Ana, for the first time in her life, knew what she wanted, and she was running after it.

Several months later, Gus walked into his usual daily stop, The Boar’s Head, the local pub. Gus had not gone in for a long time, which was quite unusual. He walked in, hung his battered hat and coat up on the coat rack and sat down at the bar. The bartender gave him a quick glance, said hello, and without any hesitation, served him his usual scotch. Mary was the bartender- she was fairly young, moderately tan, and was the love affair that Gus wished he could have. And as a custom of the stereo-type of bartenders, Mary knew the town’s business. There weren’t many customers in the pub tonight, so Mary thought that she would uncover why he had not been a regular these past few months.

“Hey, baby. Where have you been all this time?” Mary asked sweetly.

“Oh… I’ve been around,” Gus paused, took a sip of his scotch and sighed.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with you, huh? You know you can tell me anything.”

“Oh, Mary… I’ve been a horrible person, and done horrible things-“

“Everybody’s done bad things in their past. It doesn’t make them bad people…” Mary interrupted. As soon as she was about to pour him another glass of scotch, Gus held out his hand and refused.

“No, thank-you, Mary. This stuff is the bane of my existence, the reason why I ruined my life and the lives of my daughters.”

“I didn’t know you had children, Gus!”

“I don’t… at least anymore. They were like my children. They came to me, and I was there for them and looked out for them. Nobody comes to ol’ Gus anymore…”

He had spent these past few months in mourning over Rian and Ana, as they were like his daughters, even though he only watched the stables, and they took care of the master’s house. Gus came to the conclusion that his drinking had been the cause of why Rian, Margo, and Ana had died. They each were caught and were hanged by the neck until dead. Nobody expected Ana to come back, but when she did, she ran to Gus’ house, where he told her of how they were looking for her.

“Gus! I need to speak with Frances and his wife! I need to save Margo!” Ana shouted.

“Ana! I’ve been so worried about you… I think it’s too late! The mistress has already made up her mind, and you are to be hanged too.”

“No! I can’t be! If I can speak with Frances, then I can have us all off of the hook! I just wish I had been more forward earlier... then maybe I could have saved her…” her voice trailed off and she looked outside of the fogged up window of Gus’ shack. Ana was still fighting with herself- she was proud of herself for returning, yet angry with herself for not acting fast enough. Gus could sense this.

“Ana, you know I love you as a daughter. If I can do anything to help, please let me know. I would do anything in my power to help you and Margo…”

“Please let the master know that I need to speak with him immediately.”

“Oh, Ana…” Gus said quietly. Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes.

“What is it, Gus?”

“Frances left town today after his wife had Rian hung and after she condemned Margo. Nobody has seen him since!”

The bottom of Ana’s stomach seemed to fall. Everything that she came back for and hoped to achieve had withered away within the last few minutes. All she could do was stare at the paint-chipped wall. Gus stood up, tears streaming down his face, put his arms around Ana, as Ana collapsed into them.

“You know, almost the whole time I was gone, I thought about one thing.” said Ana.

“What’s that?” sniffled Gus.

“If we could somehow find a job on the side, after Frances sent us home, and saved up enough money to buy our freedom, we could be like a real family…”

“Ana, baby, I wish that could be a reality.”

The two of them comforted each other, as they both knew that this would be the last time that they would see each other, and let the other know how much they were loved[10].

It was not long until Ana was found at Gus’ shack- guards came in, took Ana by the arm, picked her up, and led her to the door. Gus tried to fight them, but he could not have won a four to one fight, drunk or sober. Ana did not try to fight back- she was going with dignity. Gus had always thought of Ana as not very intelligent, and a dependent soul, but the Ana that stood in front of him then was a totally different person. She did not have inhibitions, and did not care if she were caught. In fact, that’s what she wanted.

“That is why I have been away,” Gus said. “I feel that I was to blame for the deaths of my ‘daughters’, and I also was tending to my new land…” he looked up and saw that Mary was confused. He explained, “After my ‘daughters’ were killed, the mistress declared that all of the rest of the servants working on their land were to be set free and were to receive a little piece of their land. So I was freed, and now I live near the stable which I worked in, and I own it.”

“Do you know why she gave all of their land away?” Mary inquired.

“Well, technically, it was her land at the end of it all. See, she was angry at Frances for being unfaithful, so she slit his throat. I don’t really understand why she did because she was never happy here… maybe it was because her reputation was put on the line… who knows. All I know is that she gave each of her servants a little piece of land and left.”

Gus took his scotch glass in his hand, and downed the final amount. He set the glass back down on the bar and whispered,

“It’s all my fault.”

“I know that you feel guilty, but it is not your fault!”

“Well, I still feel that it is. If I hadn’t gone about shouting like I did that day, Ana, Margo, and Rian could have lived with me and we could have been a family! Before Ana tried to speak with Frances, she even said that she wanted to be free! I don’t know if you would ever be able to wrap your pretty little head around it, Mary, but being a servant is one of the worst things to imagine. It was as if you always had to make up for your presence in your master’s eyes, or you weren’t a person at all…[11]”

For the longest time Gus stared down at his empty scotch glass, and watched the beads of sweat roll down onto the napkin, and soak through to the wood of the bar-top.

“Now they’re dead, and so am I…”

“Oh, come now, Gus. You are not dead! You are sitting right here in front of me, sitting at my pub!”

“That’s not what I mean, Mary. Once they died, I stopped living…[12]"

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[1] Aristotle’s On Politics, where he discusses people’s function in society.

[2] The God of Small Things: “…they were a rare breed of Siamese twins, physically separate, but with joint identities.” (Roy 5)

[3] Thomas Hobbes’s Habit, which tells how people mainly act on what they are used to, how their actions are habitual, and how difficult it is to break that habit.

[4] Crito: “CRITO: I agree with what you say, Socrates; but I wish you would consider what we ought to do…” (Plato 57)

[5]The Ball Turret Gunner; explaining how she saw the true reality and was ‘taken care of’ after what she had seen

[6] Aristotle’s On Politics: explaining how people living outside of society are beasts or gods, and what makes a beast

[7] The God of Small Things: “…loved most about her was her self-sufficiency.” (Roy 233)

[8] Happiness: “Isn’t it more important than ever to be happy when you’re dying?” (Lavin 32)

[9] On Happiness: “We may define happiness as prosperity combined with virtue; or as independence of life…” (Aristotle 6)

[10] The God of Small Things: “…what they shared that night was… hideous grief. Only that once again they broke the Love Laws. That lay down who should be loved… And how much.” (Roy 311)

[11] The God of Small Things: “It was like having to sweep away your footprints without a broom. Or worse, not being allowed to leave footprints at all.” (Roy 71)

[12] The God of Small Things: “What came for them? Not Death. Just the end of living.” (Roy 304)